18, California. Volunteer Firefighter, CC Fire Academy.
"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." // Galatians 2:20 //
Introvert. Selfless. ADHD/OCD. Depression.
// Psalm 116:6 // 1 Peter 1:8 //
Love is the strongest force. I am saved. My life goal is to make others happy and improve their lives if I can in any way. Want to know more? Need advice with something? Hit that ask button.
I won’t let this get to me. I know who I am now. I know the strength I have in Him. I give it all to You. I trust in You. You’ll pull me out of this storm like every other one. Guide my steps, Father. Hold my heart. I give it all to You.
I think the worst nightmare I ever had, was the one where I lost you. I fell asleep with you in my arms, woke up from the nightmare, and held you tighter than ever before,
That nightmare became reality, and I’m still fighting myself over it.
I am so sorry for everything. You didn't deserve the way I treated you, and every time I look back on the old me, I'm just as disgusted as you are. I don't even know what I want to say here.
I beat myself up so much over my past that I started self harming. I became suicidal. I didn't want to live. There are still times where I feel that way, and I have to remind myself of who I am now. The only good thing that came out of us ending was that I found God again, and without Him I may have just ended it all.
I don't let the voices of unworthiness and self hatred get to me as much anymore, I brush them off, knowing who I am in Christ.
But that's not to say it doesn't hurt. I HATE the old me and what I did. That person threw away the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the only thing that my heart yearns for, which is love. Because whether or not you believe it, I DID love you. More than anything in my life. And I still do. No matter what I do, I can not change how my heart feels. I feel like all I manage to do is keep making more mistakes in the mean time of waiting for something that I don't even know is meant to be.
I can't begin to explain how much I despise the old me. The old me lost your trust, your love, hurt you, deceived you, and made you leave. When I started self harming, I was so angry with the old me I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to feel the physical pain of what my heart has been feeling. I wanted that old me dead.
And that was when I realized, the old me is dead. When I became born-again and accepted my Savior, Christ forgave me for all the wrong I've done, do, and will do. I'm still working on the forgiving myself part, but with His help every day is getting better. I keep my faith and trust in Him alone. I've given up on trying to figure it all out, and instead pray about it, trusting in His Plan and what He has in store for me, knowing that it's the best.
I just wish that any of this made a difference to you, because there's nothing else I want more than to right my wrongs..